my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
