Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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