when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
