She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
