Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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