To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
