Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
