he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Found the puke drawer
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
