i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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