i permit you to call me
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
