today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i've created a new STD.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
