In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
