did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
