Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
