Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
