a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
