I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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