I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
