When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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