i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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