I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
