i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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