sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
