I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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