did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
