two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
