I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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