I wanna bring you to show and tell
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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