As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
