I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
