The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
