You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
