I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize