Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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