i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
