it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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