haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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