I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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