Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
