I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
