Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
