Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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