I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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