last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Randomize
