I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
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