Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
