I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
