Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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