I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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