That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
