Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
