wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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