Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize