allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
