If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
literally had 100 drinks last night.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Randomize
