god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
