just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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