I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
