Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
