why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
