When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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