Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
someone owes me an orgasm
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
