After last night, I could never be a politician.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Randomize
