Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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